Merkel slices Turkey

The Nato is looking for a new president. This is a big problem for Angela Merkel. Because she likes Döner Kebab. She puts a lot of sauce on it and eats them at night in her big office. Once an intern told me: “it smells like garlic in her office, man, you would not believe it.” The intern spoke to me and told me I was not allowed to tell anyone. I am a professional journalist, so I said: “Do not worry, your secret is safe.” Thank you, intern. Anyways: She likes Döner Kebab.

But here is the problem: Angela Merkel confused Döner and Dane. When she was asked who she wanted for Nato-President she said “Döner!”. She was very hungry. The buffet here is lousy. The other unprofessional journalists understood “Dane!” And: Et voila: Now the world believes she supports a Dane who does not support Döner Kebabs.

Dane offers babywale-meat to Merkel

Merkel: Don´t call him Rassismussen!

In fact he would like to ban them because the smell makes him sick. He likes to eat babywales and little seals for breakfast. He is a real man. Angela Merkel is just a women who likes Döner. Also she is the chancellor. She should not be misunderstood. She has garlic. As a professional journalist you sometimes have to find ways to quote a quote that you would be too good not to have.One that spices up your writing.

In that case it´s ok to say “a source” has told you something. A source has told me this: The Danish Prime Minister likes to be called Rassismussen by his interns. The end.

I got a phonecall from my editor. The editor was fuming. She does not smoke, but she fumed. She blamed me for a mistake. That is normal for a journalist. We get blamed all the time. Here is one rule for a professional German Journalist: Journalists do not make mistakes. How are you supposed to make a mistake, when you just report the facts and your opinon? I know my opinion. Those guys know the facts. Simply professional.

My Editor insisted. Here is the mistake I did not make. Hans Fritz does not make mistakes. Life does. Here is the mistake I did not make.
In German language, you capitalize everything you can touch: the Towel is on the Autobahn (you can touch the towel, and you can touch the autobahn – by the way: Germans like to put towels into different places to reserve a seat).

Hans Fritz would not touch this bee

Here is the mistake I did not make:

In my analysis of the financial crisis i wrote about cats and the president and the world.
Of course, as every German journalist writing in German would do, I tought: What would I touch? I would touch the cat. Check. Capitalized. Republicans. Sure, you can touch them. One of them shook my Hand after we had free lunch by invitation of Bayer Pharmazeuticals once. They always have good food. Republicans: Capitalized. Here is who you can not touch: The president. That is why I did not capitalize the word: president. That is how I did not made a mistake, as every professsional German journalist will agree. Now I am fuming. The End.

Clearly some jouralists are confused. Some are not professional. Some are not even German.
Here is an example of what you should NOT do as a journalist. It is done by an unprofessional “journalist”. I think he is dutch.

Tom Bean, Texas. An exchange-students homecoming from Jan Becker on Vimeo.

If I would like to know what people think, I just think what they think – and then I write it. Also I make sure to add what I think. I am a professional journalist. Yours: Hansfritz

Official Work Hour Calculation For Foreign Correspondents

8 – x = w
8 is the hours a professional journalist works.
x is the time -difference to the home office
w is the work that is left.

Here comes the calculation for a German journalist in New York:
8 – 6 = 2

A German journalist in New York has to work two hours. Its official, because this is the official formula to calculate work for professional journalists. Professional journalists read the newspapers for at least one hour and 30 minutes every day. I wrote this little analyisis about the financial crisis in 30 minutes. The editor in Germany did not call me back. I think he is still busy with my last analysis. I hope I am causing them not too much work, working this hard.

The Stock-Market Is Like A Cat
by Hans Fritz from Wallstreet

The stock-market is like a cat. It can drop and still land on its feet. Americas stock-market droped 777 points today. Even for a cat that would be very high. I think it broke a leg.

Technically you can make it to the hospital on one leg – but it hurts a lot. I think President Bush should tell his Republicans to think about the stock-market like a hurt cat.

Bush: Think about it as THIS cat!

Then they could not vote against it. No one votes against a cat, that fell out of a tree and broke a leg.

Bush: No! Do not think about this cat!

A little something to learn from the crisis: It is not only important to make people vote for a cat. You have to make them vote for your cat. The end.

This beer was as free as the country

I was excited, because I thought if this Mr. McCain does not show up, it would be another big success for my reporting. After all, I had just managed not to meet Bill & Hillary. This could easily be my next scoop. In my mind I prepared the headline: „How I was supposed to report on the debate, but McCain did not show up“.

McCain showed up. The debate began. Since I am a professional journalist in New York, I do not take any notes. It distracts too much from making up my mind on who I like better. Also it distracts from finding the best beer in the refrigerator. Miller – Lite? No, thank you! Budweiser? You must be kidding me!
As a German Journalist, I have high work-ethics: As every professional, I outsource the note-taking to some young and eager folks who apparently really like that kind of work. Thank you, very kind. I found a french beer in the refrigerator. The French are Germanys enemy, I learned in history-class, so I drank the beer really fast like it was a delicious enemy.

McCain and Obama deciding not to bomb Germany

Then I focussed on liking and disliking the candidates:
Here is what I liked: When McCain said he looked in Putins eyes and saw three letters.
KGB. As a german journalist, I knew how scary this is: To look into someone’s eyes, you have to get really close to them. As a Journalist, I had to look into many peoples eyes. Here is what I found:
One of our Chancellors had “I love Putin“ written into them. I was not surprised when he called him a „first-class-democrat“ later. I knew it was love, that was fooling his judgement.

Putin trying to get that KGB out of his eyes

I also looked other people in the eyes. But that is a whole new story. Back to the debate: The Americans seemed to enjoy it. I can recommend watching debates with Americans to German Journalists: Most of the time, the Americans are so distracted with the debate, they do not talk to you too much.

Chancellor Schröder still gots Putin-lovin´ in his eyes

I think mine liked McCain better, they were all going „whoooo“ when he said something. And when Obama spoke they were really quiet. Anyways, here is the article I submitted after the debate. My editor said he would call me back about it.

Who Won The Debate
Senior-Correspondent Hans Fritz reporting from New York City

Yesterday night McCain won the debate. He mentioned Germany. The score is 1:0 for McCain. In the course of the heated debate both candidates seemingly agreed not to bomb Germany. They were undecided on Pakistan, more decided on Iran and pretty sure that they had bombed Iraq. If Obama does not mention Germany in the next debate, the score will be 2:0 for McCain. But if he does, the race stays close. I am not allowed to like any of the candidates more, because I am a Journalist. But what I liked is when McCain looked into Putins eyes and saw KGB. The end.

Note: I am still waiting for my editor to call me.

Bill Clinton not talking to Hans Fritz

So, as I was saying, receiving phonecalls is a natural thing for German Journalists in New York. I am a professional after all:
Phone: Ring. RING RING.
Me: “Hello. Fritz. German Journalist”
Phone: “Hello, Peter here. Would you like to meet Bill Clinton?”
Me: “Yes”
Phone: “OK. We can only accomodate 15 bloggers. So we will tell you who is in.”
Me: “OK.”
Phone: “If we cant put you on the meeting with Bill, we try to schedule you in for a meeting with Hillary the next day.”
Me: “Thank you”. “Peter”. (Advice to German journalists in New York: Americans like to be called by their first names, Hans sounds more professional to them than Mr. Fritz)
Phone: “Talk to you later, bye.”

I am a professional, and that means you never get excited.
But I must say, I was looking forward to meet Hillary. Would she like me?
Could I land what you call a “scoop”, by asking her if she secretly still wanted to be the President? (My follow-up-question is: “On a scale from one to ten, just how mad are you at Mr. Obama?”). I did what every Journalist in my position would do: I thought about where to store my Pulitzer-Prize and I called my mother in Germany.

I had been invited to join the “Clinton Global Initiative”. “What iz sis?”, my German Editor asked. I said: “Its like a less boring version of Al Gores slideshow with live speakers.” He did not get it because it was a joke. “It is how the Clintons would like to win the Nobel-Peace-Prize”. He got it. He was not interested.

He said he would be interested in my Interview with Hillary though.
So I waited patiently for Peter to call me back. Business as usual for a German Journalist in New York. Peter never called. More business as usual for a German Journalist in New York.
I went to the conference. I had delicious cereal. It was a good conference: I got a press – pass, wich allowed me to drink as much coffee as I wanted. But I was not allowed to walk around myself. The press-people would “shuttle” you upstairs.
To “Shuttle” means to spy on you and keep you from asking other members of the conference if they had been called about meeting Bill too. Lance Armstrong is speaking at the conference right now. Allow me a private remark, strictly off the record: I think he doped. Its lunchtime now and this Peter never called. It is just a normal workday for me. The conference still goes on for two days. Maybe Hillary was not allowed to talk to me, because of my investigative reputation. It is normal for German journalists in New York: They know that we know how to pose a question.
And now you will have to excuse me, I have to check my voicemail.